The Dragon

Ok, I said I would tell you about it later, so here I am.

I got an email Thursday morning from a user that went like this:

Would you scan my PC for viruses? Jane changed my mouse key because I liked the dragon.

Now I wouldn't expect you to understand this cryptic message, but you are probably reading the message exactly the same way I did. Several questions immediately popped into my head and I bet you are asking the very same questions.
Who is Jane? How did she change the user's mouse key? What dragon? How does a virus scan figure into this? Why does the user like the dragon? Just what exactly is a mouse key?

After a phone call it turns out that the user noticed a little dinosaur animated mouse pointer on Jane's computer. He expressed an interest in it and Jane installed it on his PC. Well the user's machine started slowing down so he was afraid he had caught a virus. It's scary how such a simple email can raise so many questions. Five mouse clicks later I restored his mouse key back the way it was.
Too bad. I kind of liked the dragon too.

He's Back!

Remember this post? Can you hear me now? Well guess who has been calling me? Yeah, it's him. He has called every day this month because he is in a hotel trying to connect to their network.
The concept is easy. Painfully easy. Although I can understand some people have a hard time with it. Let's see if I can explain it to you -- There are a vast number of servers on the Internet. So many machines that it is almost next to impossible to track down a specific server. But first you have to get connected to a network that is connected to the Internet. Once you are connected to that network you can use it to get to a server anywhere in the world. Now let's say you require a secure connection to that server. Well then you are going to need VPN to secure you a pipe to that specific server. Simple? Right! Step 1, connect to a local network. Step 2, connect to the Internet. Step 3, startup the VPN.

Unfortunately, this guy can't get past Step 1. To make matters worse, he seems to think I can see through the phone. To top it all off, he has no patience with the relatively slow laptop. Clicking 20 times on the little wireless icon opens up so many windows he gets confused. Trying to describe each of those windows as they open confuses him even worse. Of course, he can't describe the windows the same way each time, so that confuses me. Having six copies of Internet Explorer running from all the past attempts to connect himself do not help either. Add not knowing the difference between "Closing" an application and "Minimizing" an application into the mix really spices things up as well.

My only saving grace is the lone tech support chick at a Holiday Inn Express in Oklahoma named Angela. Angela, you are my hero. Not just for being able to calm a frustrated old computer illiterate geezer down, but for the simple fact that she can close the 20 wireless windows down, and close the six copies of Internet Explorer down, open up a fresh copy of IE and click on the "Yes, I agree" button on the "Would you like to access the Internet" web page her hotel pops up upon a successful connection to their network. Yep, 3 mouse clicks fixed this guy. I was on the phone for 45 minutes and it all boils down to 3 mouse clicks.

The nagging feeling in my bones is that there must be something wrong with me when I have to spend 45 minutes on the phone with a guy that cannot understand that all he has to do is double-click on IE and then click on a button labeled "Yes, I agree". The really sad thing is that I've had to explain it to him twice already for this particular hotel. He'll be at another hotel soon with a different network and different connection screen. I can only hope there is another Angela working at that hotel.

I really hate the fact that I'll never get those 45 minutes back either.

Read Between the Lines

When you have been in tech support as long as I have you learn to "read between the lines" when a user sends out an email.

For instance, this email message came in the other day:

From: User
To: Grumpy Tech Guy
Subject: Computer

My computer is broke!!

Call me please.

Now your fresh out of grade school tech would read that an not be able to determine that the user's child ran through the kitchen, tripped on the power cord and snapped the end of the power cord off. It's as clear as day in this powerful plea for help.

Yep. That's why they pay me the big bucks. Not that I make any more money than most techs. The Payroll Department just uses the photocopier to enlarge my checks by 50%.

Can't You Make It Work?

The tech guys over at ExtremeTech deal with some of the sames things I do.
Joel tells some pretty good stories in this article.

Check it out!

Can't Connect

Calls come in constantly, but some just draw the life right out a person...

GTG> Grumpy Tech Support. How may I help you today?
User> Hello. Yeah. I have a vendor here with a laptop that is having a problem connecting to our wireless network.
GTG> That's because we don't have a wireless network.
User> Well she said she sees one out there, but can't connect to it.
GTG> Yes, there are several wireless networks in range of the office, but none of them are ours so I can't help your vendor connect to them.
User> How is she supposed to get on the Internet then?
GTG> She can plug into our network using a network cable in one of the spare offices.
User> And she can just plug in that cable?
GTG> Yep.
User> Where does she plug it in?
GTG> What kind of laptop is it?
User> I don't know. Black?
GTG> There should be a hole somewhere on the laptop that looks like a wide phone jack. The cable goes in there.
User> She can't find it.
GTG> Ask her what the brand and model number of her laptop is and I will look it up.
User> She says it's an IBM. She doesn't know the model number.
GTG> What company is she with?
User> IBM.
GTG> I'll be right there.

It took a whopping 3 seconds to plug the cable into the network port on the laptop. In defense of the vendor, her laptop was only a few days old and no one ever showed her how to connect to a network using the cable since she has always had a docking station.

PC Won't Boot

So I get this call from this user with an error. Yeah. That's about as much detail as I could get.

The screen is blank and the power button doesn't seem to work. Anyways, after chatting with the guy for a few hours, I convince him to ship the dead PC in.

Here's why his machine won't boot up: The real problem

Dude... you got robbed.

We're Not Playing Games Here

Many years ago I was called in to find out why this one user could never reliably connect to the server with their modem. The user would call for help and tech support would walk the user through resetting the modem. Everything would work fine until the next morning and the cycle would repeat.

This cycle went on for months. Every once in a while one of the front-line tech support guys would catch me in the hall and ask me about the case. "User can't connect" is about all the detail I would ever get. It is just too hard to troubleshoot an issue without any background information.
You have to hand it to the user though. He must have had the patience of Job. Month after month he would make his daily call to tech support and have them walk him through resetting the modem. Were it me, after about the fifth or sixth time, I'd just do the procedure myself without calling in. Although after about the second week, I would realize that I was only fixing the symptoms and not curing the disease.

So the boss gets a bit upset about this one user racking up so much call time and turns the case over to me. I call the user up and it goes like this:

User> Hello?
GTG> Hello. This is Grumpy Tech Guy from Grumpy Tech Support. I'm calling to help you today.
User> They already fixed my connection this morning.
GTG> Yes, but I'm going to try and find out why it is happening on a daily basis.
User> Oh, okay then.
GTG> First off, I would like to get an idea of exactly what happens. Please describe the problem.
User> Well, I get here first thing in the morning and do the books. Then I try to connect and I get this thing on the screen and I call and leave a message for tech support.
GTG> What kind of "thing" on the screen?
User> Nothing much really, just a thing that says can't find something or other.

I'm not going to bore you with the gory details. Needless to say that after about 10 minutes of questions and partial answers I determine that the computer basically thinks the modem is no longer attached.

User> So why would it lose the modem?
GTG> I'm not sure. Could someone be unplugging it from the computer?
User> No. At least I don't think so. It's screwed in pretty good.
GTG> Another thing would be if some other application is given access to the modem and never lets it go.
User> What kind of application?
GTG> Games are the first thing to come to mind.
User> I doubt it's any games. We don't play games here.
GTG> Well, a simple reboot should correct the issue if there were some other application...
User> You don't believe me do you?
GTG> Oh it's not that. Do me a favor. I'll call you tomorrow morning. Reboot the computer when you first get in before you do books. Okay?
User> Alright. I'll write myself a note.

So the next morning I come into work and call the user to see if my theory is correct.

GTG> So, did the reboot work?
User> I think so. It connected right up and everything.
GTG> Okay, I'm going to connect to your computer and look around and see if I notice anything out of the ordinary.
User> Well it won't be a game. We don't play games here.

It only takes five minutes to find the StarCraft folder and there is a modem configuration file with today's date and a time of about 2AM. So, someone is playing StarCraft around 2AM and using the modem to do it. I call the user back.

GTG> I found your trouble. Someone has installed StarCraft on the computer and they are playing it late at night. Who has physical access to the computer around that time?
User> But we don't play games here. We are just too busy. Especially that late at night.
GTG> Yeah. The file is there. Would you like the phone number the culprit calls?
User> I can't believe this.

I rattle off the phone number and he recognizes it as a night guy's home phone. It turns out that the night guy calls and plays online with his roommate every night. This ruins the modem configuration for our connection software so it thinks the modem isn't connected. The reboot re-establishes the connection to the modem as well as the configuration.

Once the night guy was scolded and StarCraft was removed, the daily calls to tech support stopped.

Disney's Operating System

Have you heard about Disney's new operating system? Me either. However, more and more new PCs have it already installed.

A call came in from a user that just purchased a new laptop for personal use. He wanted to get the VPN installed on it so he could connect to the office.
"What operating system does it have installed?" I asked, hoping it was Windows XP.
"Buena Vista." came the answer.
"Our VPN software will not work with... uh... Did you say 'Buena Vista'?" I asked.
"Yes, Buena Vista." he replied.
"That's a good one. Windows Vista, right?" I chuckled.
"No. Buena Vista." he said with a dead serious tone.
The rest of the call wasn't very pleasant.

I never realized Disney was trying to break into the operating system market.

The Game

Today it's time to play "The Game". Which game? The Game.
It is really called "What is the Least Amount of Information in Order to Solve the Problem Game", but The Game is easier to say.
The rules are very simple: Entries must be in the form of a question. A statement and then a question is acceptable, provided the question relates to the statement. An example of an unacceptable entry is "My left sock is wet. Does this look infected to you?"
Entries, ideally, should be impossible to answer.

Let's play! So far, today's entries are:

• This report doesn't look right. Can you fix it?
• My computer hates me. Why won't it work right?
• Is the network OK? (via email)
• Can you fix my internet printout?
• What causes this "File Not Found" error?
  

Leading the pack is

• Got a minute?

Best disqualified entry is

• Who is this email from?

It was disqualified because the answer "You?" was actually correct and solved the problem since the user forgot to attach the junk email.

And Who Might You Be?

Being in tech support I get a bunch of phone calls. No really? Yes, really. But I can't always be by the phone or pick up on every call. So I get a bunch of voice mails.
This one came in late one evening last month. I didn't really recognize the voice, but that didn't matter. He said he would call me tomorrow.

Actual voice mail transcript:

Yeah, Hey! It's me...
I know we hadn't talked in a while... Uh, I don't have one of those...
I'm gonna talk to you tomorrow, I want you to tell me which one to buy.
I tried and I lost part of it and uh, I need to get one of those things when I'm in a motel I can get hooked up. OK?
I'm a, uh, I get my emails and everything but I leave my computer at home because it's so big and heavy and clumsy and I never got setup with that whata-ya-callit stuff when you use through the air whata-ya-callit non hookup or something.
I'll talk to you tomorrow. You tell me what to buy.
I tried buying one and setting it up. I never could get it down or setup right.
So, uh, I'm coming to town next week. OK? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and uh, I'd appreciate it if maybe you could spend a little time and get me hooked up with this thing. OK?
I do a good bit, but I just don't carry it with me cause I don't feel like digging in all the telephone lines trying to get everything hooked up with the lines, OK?
I'll talk to you tomorrow.

More of the Same

It happens so many times it becomes comical. A desperate email arrives with the plea for immediate help. The response is just as immediate and the willingness to render aid is there. The user replies with something so vague it boggles the imagination.

Question: Where would you like us to ship your replacement PC, Sir?

Answer: My home.



As Dr. Evil would say... "Throw me a freakin' bone here people. "

Admin Rights

When you purchase a new computer, one of the first things that must be done is to choose an Administrator password. Nine times out of ten though, most people just press Enter and go on their merry way. It becomes a real pain when you try to install software on the machine when you realize that you don't have admin rights to the PC. You'll get an "Access Denied" message.

So an email comes in from a user trying to install some software and gets the dreaded "Access Denied" message. I ask if she has admin rights and I get this reply:

What do you mean by administravtive rights? I bought the computer from a pawn shop.

Oh! Now that changes everything. Just to be safe, I ask if she has any virus protection for her PC. The reply?

How do I check for that?

Needless to say, it goes down hill from there...

What do you need?

There is an ongoing low-level project to create an inventory of all of the PCs and laptops in use among the employees. The machines at the office are easy. Just walk around, write the user's name and their PC model and serial number.

An email goes out:
We are collecting information about the company's active PC and laptops. Please reply to this email with your computer's model and serial number.

The responses are classic:

• I have Microsoft Outlook
• My laptop or my home computer?
• Compaq 192.168.1.107
• Blackberry 8700
• Intel Inside Pentium 4
• Windows
• Viewsonic
  

And my personal favorite:

• Power

I don't think they even read the email?

It Does Not Work That Way

Things were kind of busy today. I sort of like it that way. The day seems to go much smoother, and much faster. I'd just got back from lunch when a user called...

GTG> Grumpy Tech Support. How may I help you today?
User> I can't log in to Excel.
GTG> Uh, Excel?
User> Yes. It won't let me log in.
GTG> Do you mean the network?
User> No. I mean Excel. It won't let me log in.
GTG> Excel doesn't work that way. You don't have to log in to Excel.
User> Look. I know what I'm talking about.
GTG> Describe what is on your screen right this minute.
User> Uh, well the screen is all blue, and there is this box...
GTG> Is your user name in the top field of the box?
User> Yes! Exactly!
GTG> And there's a box below it with "password" on the label?
User> Yeah!
GTG> Ah, I see your network account is locked. I'll unlock it for you.
User> Uh...
GTG> Try your password now.
User> That did it! Now Excel is loading! Thanks!

It turns out Excel was in the Startup folder so it would come up immediately after logging on.
Copy the shortcuts of any programs you want to get into and they will pop up once the machine is booted up. It's actually quite a handy feature.

The Oldest Error

You young tech support people probably have never heard of this error, but it has been around since the PC was first invented. I still remember getting phone calls from irate customers who had just purchased that $3000 IBM PC-XT and it would not boot up. Instead they would see this error message:

"Invalid system disk. Replace the disk. Press any key to continue."

99 times out of 100 this error can be fixed by reading the cryptic instructions. Take that non-boot diskette out of the A: drive and then press any key. Of course there is always that dreaded one time when you hear, "There's nothing in the drive." on the receiver. But I will save that discussion for another day.

This simple error message has so much information that it boggles some people's imaginations. It can lead to all sorts of confusing things over the phone like "Where is the 'any' key?" and my favorite, "I just bought this thing and it already wants me to replace the disk?" One of the best calls I had, this poor woman received the error message and we spent a good hour on the phone together. Have you ever tried to describe what a floppy drive looks like to someone with no mechanical experience or even the tiniest shred of electronic knowledge? Comedy gold.

Troubleshooting via Email

Have you ever troubleshooted a problem via email? These days most people treat email not as a letter, but as an instant messenger or a telephone. Granted, using email, I can usually work on multiple problems simultaneously. But it can be very frustrating the lack of information email can provide.

The following is an actual email exchange. Remember, it takes about two or three minutes for the messages to go back and forth.

User> I've got an error message on my screen.
GTG> What does it say?
User> Something about a password... I'm not sure.
GTG> Is it still on the screen?
User> It keeps disappearing.
GTG> Can I remote control to your machine?
User> Sure.

It turns out the "error message" was "Your password will expire in 14 days." The reason the error message was disappearing was because other windows like the emails back and forth are popping up over the top of it. I had the user change her password and the error message went away.

Troubleshooting the Past

GTG> Grumpy Tech Support. How may I help you today?
User> Yeah, about three weeks ago I was at the airport and I couldn't connect to their wireless network. I'll be going back to the airport in about two weeks and I'd like to connect.
GTG> Three weeks ago?
User> Yeah.
GTG> You want me to fix your wireless connection three weeks ago?
User> Well no. I want you to fix it so I can connect in two weeks.
GTG> So you don't want me to fix your past connection, but your future connection.
User> Yeah.
GTG> Are you at home? Do you have a wireless setup at home?
User> No. I'm here at the office plugged into the big network.
GTG> I tell you what. Call me when you get to the airport in two weeks and we'll troubleshoot your connection then. How's that?
User> Well I guess that would work. Hopefully you will have time to get it working in between flights. I just thought you would have more time to do it now.
GTG> Yeah, well it's kind of hard to troubleshoot something that won't work even if I get it fixed. You know what I mean?
User> I guess that makes sense...
GTG> Sure, just give me a call once you are at the airport and we'll get it fixed for you.
User> Well, ok then.

Have you ever called your roofer and told him to go fix that leaky roof on that house you are planning to build next year?

What's Down?

Hold on to your hats! Microsoft is down!
Microsoft? Yes. Is down? Yes.
All of Microsoft? Yes.

Thank heavens for remote control.
"Microsoft" turns out to be "Microsoft Outlook" and "down" is code for "I can't get my email".

Sheez, don't scare me like that, Dude.

Another Manic Monday

What follows is an actual conversation via email:

User> Can you put links to other websites on our intranet?
GTG> Absolutely.
User> I have two links that need to go on the intranet.
GTG> No problem. What are they?
User> Links.
GTG> No, I know they are links. What is the address of the links?
User> They are on the Internet.
GTG> Where do they point on the Internet? Like www.google.com ...
User> Oh, I don't know. We need them on the intranet today though.

Could you be any more vague?

Why, in heaven's name, would you call for support and say, "Hi! My internet is not working." or "Why won't my printer work?" and actually expect a valid answer?

This doesn't happen with any other type of job. You don't leave your vehicle at the garage with a sticky note on the hood that reads: Car not working. Back in 2 hours to pick up.